| Most Recently Posted Ask a Question | |||||||
| Q: | Many years ago, I met a woman that worked at the same place I did and we became really close friends. I eventually left that job for another, but our friendship remained. The company that I work for posted a job that she was qualified for, so I told her about it and we now work at the same company. Now comes the hard part. I had been dating a man for several years, and eventually she became "our" friend as well. The three of us used to do a lot of things together. About 4 years ago, there were some issues in our relationship (the man I was dating) where I decided that it would be best if we parted. I didn't see it at the time, but my girlfriend started pulling away from me when I tried to talk to her about our problems. I thought it was strange, but obviously I was naive and didn't give it a second thought. Imagine my shock a few months later when I found out from him that they had been seeing each other quite a bit. I was hurt that she never talked to me about it. In looking back, I could see that she had feelings for him even when we were together. I never confronted her, but continued to harbor the hurt and anger. She also never came to me to talk to me about it--she just cut off all ties. Mind you, I had to work with her--in the same department at that! It was very difficult and still is. Last spring, he contacted me and asked me to dinner so that we could talk. I went, and we ended up talking through much of what tore us apart years ago, and we decided to give our relationship another chance. It's been great, but recently my ex-friend called him and wants to remain friends. She told him that she can't afford to lose any friends because she doesn't have many. I told him my feelings and he assured me that he wouldn't do anything to put our relationship at risk. I trust him completely. He never had the feelings for her that she had for him, so that's easy for him. I do not trust her, though. My problem is forgiving her and moving on. I have prayed about this so many times, I can't count. I still work with her and have to see her every day. The feelings that I have toward her are not good and they're only hurting me. I know that it's a sign that I haven't truly forgiven her, and I was wondering if you possibly had some advice on how I can do that. | ||||||
| A: | I copied this part of your question because I feel it is so important. “My problem is forgiving her and moving on. I have prayed about this so many times, I can't count. I still work with her and have to see her every day. The feelings that I have toward her are not good and they're only hurting me. I know that it's a sign that I haven't truly forgiven her, and I was wondering if you possibly had some advice on how I can do that.” Forgiveness is a process. It takes some time and it takes some work. It is a part of our life of sanctification. Sometimes we get stuck in the process and don’t keep moving along. Forgiveness is a fruit of our faith in Jesus. Because we are thankful for Jesus forgiving us and others, we forgive others. After all, Jesus didn’t go to the cross only to earn our forgiveness. He earned forgiveness for all people. He went to the cross to earn the forgiveness of your deceitful friend also. You recognize that your lack of forgiveness is hurting you. It is hurting your relationship to your God. God says to all of us: Ephesians 4:26 “In your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.” You asked for help. Turn to Jesus. Review in his Word how much he has forgiven you. As your faith in the justice and mercy of God grows, then you will be able to put your trust in God that he will do what is right toward your friend. He will administer justice to her or mercy. You say that you trust the man you have renewed your relationship with. As a part of the process of forgiveness that I have described, after you have made peace with your former friend, you may want to do some things together as a threesome, or with her and a male friend that she may have. That would let her know that your male friend is with you and you are with him in a more romantic way than the two of you or either of you are with her. You may be able to live the relationship that you want--with your male friend and at peace with the girl who tried to take him from you long ago. Just a thought! God’s blessings! | ||||||
| |||||||