I don't think that would be right with God or the law. And of course not with me! What does God say about this? What should I do? He scares me every day and I'm afraid that I'm going to do the wrong thing. Should I honor his wishes? Help?

Yes, you have a responsibility to care for your husband, as is clear you have been doing. The situation, as you describe it, sounds as if this is more than just a difference of opinion on how he should be cared for. If the details correctly reflect a “give-up” attitude or a “just let me die” attitude on the part of your husband, then it is a problem demanding spiritual counseling, if not also psychological counseling. It would be wise to fill your pastor in on the details and seek his assistance in addressing the spiritual concerns that may be present.

For you there are some real practical and immediate issues. In a legal sense your husband can refuse any treatment he wishes, so long as he is considered mentally competent. Even if you do not agree with his decision, or his decision does not mesh with the dictates of Scripture, he is legally entitled to make his own decisions. That is particularly frustrating when it would seem those decisions run contrary to the will of God.

You do have some practical options. You can have him psychologically tested to determine if he has the competency to make his own medical treatment decisions. The results, however, may not necessarily change anything. You would have to have been legally named as his health care agent to make decisions for him if he is deemed incompetent. Then, you would be asked to ascertain whether or not, when he was competent, he would have desired life-preserving treatment. Even if that could be proven, you would likely still have to deal with his stubborn refusal to accept your care.

If deemed competent you also have problems. The testing process could likely further anger and frustrate him, making your tasks more challenging.

You could take steps to have him committed to a care facility. If that were a possibility, however, the care facility will also be obliged to follow his wishes on medical care if he is deemed mentally competent.

The solution appears to be rooted in getting to the core of our Christian existence. God’s Word asks us not to seek out what “we” want or what “he” wants or what “you” want. Rather, Scripture guides us to ask the probing question of what would God want (1 Corinthians 10:31). How would God want us to act both as the caretaker and as the patient (1 Peter 2:21)?

Like other couples in this circumstance, much of the discourse that takes place is of a medical and practical nature. We want to be sure vital signs are checked, the patient is comfortable, regular physician check-ups take place, etc. Added to this on the part of the caretaker are the burdens of finding opportunities to get groceries, keep the house maintained, getting some sleep, etc. Often, in this very hectic lifestyle there is a lack of “God talk” and the contextualizing of all this within the Christian existence.

To begin to spiritualize this circumstance begin with prayer. First, on a personal level you need to have earnest talks with God, seeking His comfort, strength, and direction. Then, pray together as a couple. You share a common angst, a common love, and a common Savior. Pray together for direction and encouragement.

Study God’s Word. Don’t just communicate “notions” about what God would want. Learn it from the source. A regular study of God’s Word would reveal that even in suffering there is purpose (Romans 5:3ff). Talking about that as a Christian husband and wife would be very helpful.

In that study you would also learn that God’s is the Author of human life. He reserves for Himself the right to terminate life and it is not something we are to do ourselves (Genesis 9:6; Exodus 20:13; Deuteronomy 32:39).

Finally, a study of God’s Word would reveal the value of mutual submission (Ephesians 5:21), of genuine humility (Philippians 2:3-4), and of caring for others and accepting their care (Matthew 25:31ff; John 19:26-27; Galatians 6:10; 1 Timothy 5:8).

In the end, your desire to protect and care for your husband is rooted in something far more substantial than just spousal love or an ethical commitment to protect life. Caring, loving, and protecting others is a reflection of your love and obedience to God (Mark 12:30-31; 1 John 4:19).

Yes, your husband can make these decisions for you and you may be forced into surrendering his care to an institution charged with simply caring out a patient’s wishes. You, however, cannot take direct action with the ultimate certain goal to shorten life. While there may be latitude for differences of opinion as to how dangerous or beneficial it is to have a treatment or to take a certain course of action, if the specific intent is to end his life, refuse to be a part of it based on your love for God and obedience to His will. Through it all, seek to be a witness to the truth of God’s Word. Do all you can to spiritualize this circumstance so that both of you seek out God’s direction and make decisions according to His will. Involve your pastor to provide direction and encouragement.